Lessons on Stuttering from Guitar Hero

even while playing guitar hero im analyzing things. yes, guitar hero. my new addiction.  im pretty much obsessed with it- and i dont even own it. my brother brought it home for me to play over the break and now i want my own. but i digress. once i got the hang of the game, it was pretty easy to play (as least on the easy level, which is where i remained). only 3 notes, green, red, yellow. after a while, my playing became automatic. i would see a green note and instantly push the green "chord" while strumming. a yellow note drawn out? no problem- without thinking id play the yellow while doing a "whammy." my motions were smooth, automatic, flowing. yes, i was fluent when i played guitar hero. 

there was this one song, raining blood, that i could not get. i got booed off the stage every time i played it. i tried doing the tutorial, i tried slowing down, i tried re-doing the sections that i struggled most with. nothing helped. its like "raining blood" is  the sounds and words i get stuck on. it doesnt matter what i do- i continue to fail at saying them. ive tried therapy, slowing down my rate of speech, repeating the stuttered words. nothing helped. hmmm.... i gave up that song and went make to songs i had already mastered. i couldnt believe what happened- i was missing notes of songs on which i had previously gotten 95% accuracy! what in the world! after a few songs of frustration, i realized i was focusing too much on each note. i would see a green and focus all my attention on playing the green while strumming. i was so worried about missing it that i usually did. i would play too soon or too late. then i would forget to notice what was coming next and completely miss the next note before i even attempted it. my focus had been on the previous note and i neglected to prepare for upcoming ones. i slowly began trying too hard to nail each note and consequently missed more and more. my timing was off. planning was poor. i even noticed i would hold my breath during particularly hard or fast parts. when id redo a song, i would get more tense when anticipating a section of the song on which i knew i had struggled before. the more i tried, the worse it got. 

"stuttering is everything you do trying not to stutter." Charles Van Riper
i've always been intrigued with this quote. how could it be that in trying not to do something, i was actually doing it? i never really understood that growing up. and yet somehow it has always made sense to me, in some strangely familiar way. it was like deep down, i knew there was a beautiful truth in that. ive always found that when i was most focused on not stuttering, that when i was trying my hardest to get my words out, i would block the most. when i was surrounded by people with whom i didnt want to stutter, when i most wanted to share my thoughts with someone, my speech would be frustrated to the max.  in contrast, at home, where stuttering is not an issue for me or anyone else, i do not think about, fear, or anticipate stuttering. i just talk and speech flows naturally. i am not focused on my speech and do not put forth effort to get my words out. interestingly enough, this is when i am most fluent and my speech is most spontaneous. 

so there i was, completely frustrated with my lack of guitar hero skills, but i enjoyed the game too much to quit. i became aware i was getting tense and noticed my infamous breath-holding taking place again. quickly the realization came that i was trying too hard and focusing too much. slowly i released the tension from my body, began breathing normally (or as close to it as i ever get), and just tried to enjoy "jammin' out" before my bro. took his xbox360 back to atlanta. not surprisingly, my awesome guitar skills returned to help me beat several of zachary's previous scores.  it was in the NOT trying, the letting go, the surrendering, that i was able to succeed at guitar hero.

when i block, even before i block, i anticipate difficulty. i predict trouble with a certain sound and will myself to get through it, whatever the cost. i try whatever i perceive as helpful to get the word out. put plainly, i try too hard to speak. when i block, there is noticeable tension and struggle. i am tight from my stomach up to my lips and everything in between. my abs tighten, my chest constricts,  my neck and shoulders tense and my head jerks, my throat feels closed up, my jaws lock, my tongue feels heavy, like its always in the way, my lips seem stuck together and pushing the words back down. i choke. i feel completely blocked.  i want to get through the block, but when i try its like i run into a wall and cant get passed it. i push and push but instead of making progress i feel like the wall pushes me back even farther.  instead of pushing and struggling and trying so hard and jerking my head and tapping my fingers and holding my breath and tensing up my whole upper body, i need to relax. the struggle is of no benefit, unless my goal is to do whatever i can to make my listener uncomfortable. like guitar hero, my speech needs to be free and smooth and enjoyable. i know the things i need to do- i just cant seem to do them. in the "stuttering moment," i cannot focus on all these things i need to do. i need to release the tension from my body, regulate my breathing, and just enjoy communicating with people. the struggle and tension must be gone. my articulators need to be relaxed.  it will be in the NOT trying, the letting go, the surrendering, that i will be able to succeed at speaking fluently.

if only speech were as easy and uncomplicated for me as guitar hero...