this is what the screen on my phone says right now and i cant stop staring at it. i keep beating myself up over it. it was supposed to be a 3 damn minute phone conversation showing off how much easier i could say the "f" sound, and instead it turned into a "thing" that lasted 98 minutes and 39 seconds. what the f? i felt horrible because i wanted us to have a positive conversation for once. really, i wanted her to have a successful conversation with me. i wanted to show her how what she had shown me was finally started to make a little sense. i had a 2 and a half hour drive home from the workshop so i was just playing around with my words and paying really close attention to tension and struggle and trying to get a feel for what it felt like when i was blocking and what it felt like when i was speaking easily. i was finally able to notice the tension while still in the block and release it until i could move forward. this was HUGE because normally in the moment of a block i am completely unaware of whats going on, making it hard to stutter easily, with less tension. i was pumped, let me tell you, because i knew that my speech was really tense and that not being able to realize the tension was keeping me from letting go of the stutter. not even sure if this is making sense, but to me it does. and i was ecstatic! it was something jill and i had talked about, and since she told me to practice the "f" sound, that is what i did. i thought shed be excited, plus i knew she had kinda had a discouraging week, so my hope was that shed feel a little better and maybe a little more confident. plus, shes my friend and i wanted to share this with her.
now, the thing is, the phone is horrible for me. i mean, absolutely terrible. its the one thing that i still consistently avoid. we have only talked on the phone once before, and she called me so i mainly just listened and hit a few buttons. haha. today i had been having a pretty rough speech day, but i had been driving for a while and felt relaxed and confident. i thought id give it a try. i sent her a text asking if i could call (yeah i know someone probably will say that i shouldnt have to do that, and maybe i dont, but i did) and she said yeah. so i called. and i was pleased with how things were going. dont get me wrong, i still stuttered. and some were hard and long and down-right ugly. but daggumit, i was talking on the phone and not avoiding and i was saying what i wanted to say without re-wording. to me, that was a success. and then....well, to be honest, im not sure what happened. things just started going downhill. my blocks were becoming way more tense and i tried to force my way through them; my breathing got way out of whack and i couldnt get that under control. i know there are many people in the stuttering community who think that breathing isnt a secondary and that any talk of breathing in regards to stuttering is just bogus. sure, everyone knows how to breathe. breathing has no place in stuttering therapy or even in stuttering conversations, unless its to talk about how ridiculous it is to be talking about breathing. i dont know what experts or research say about breathing. all i know is that when i start blocking a lot, i get worked up and take a lot of short, rapid breaths or hold my breath. its not intentional. i think it may start out as a way to get through the block, but it quickly escalates into something more. its like i literally cant breathe. i remember as i kid my mom would just pick me up and hold me in these moments. it was the only way i would relax. i would just feel all the tension and struggle escape as i focused on her breathing and matching my breathes with hers. i know it sounds stupid. and trust me, i feel stupid when it happens. breathing should be involuntary, but in these moments its not for me. and when i get like that, all i want is for someone to scoop me up like momma used to. but im a 22 year old girl now, so thats not quite as acceptable now. :) but to be honest, i still have to watch my friends shoulders sometimes. i have one friend whos real affectionate or whatever, and shell put my hand on her shoulder so i can feel her breathing, or shell hold my arm and squeeze it on every inhalation. now, let me stop right now and just go ahead and say, i know this sounds completely ridiculous. (if anyone even read this) im sure there are people who will think im a nut-job. some will just think im making this up. i can also bet that at least one person will think im having a panic attack. ive gotten that before. and i absolutely hate that! ive read or heard that in some ways, stuttering is like ptsd and each stutter is like a panic attack as old stuttering moments are re-lived. i think there may be some validity to that, im not sure. but i dont think thats the case with me. who knows? maybe thats exactly whats going on and i just dont want to admit it. what i do know is that i absolutely hate it. it is noticeable and weird and completely embarrassing. i worry a lot that people will see me as less intelligent or weak or broken because i stutter. this just compounds the problem, because here i am struggling to do a most basic human function that a baby can do while still in the womb, and yet this 22 year old girl cant? its one of the things i hate most about my stuttering. and it happened tonight on the phone with jill. things just kept getting worse. the guilt and shame kicked in big time. she was supposed to go to the gym and was talking to me on her way there. then because the conversation was no longer going so well, she had to sit outside her gym for well over an hour just waiting while i struggled with my words. i kept offering to let her go but she wanted to finish talking (at least thats what she told me). but i felt like a jerk for taking so much time. i completely interrupted her schedule and ruined her plans for the night. of course that only made me feel even more rushed, which did nothing but increase anxiety and frustration and consequently, my stuttering. it was just a viscous downhill cycle. my breathing, and head jerking and eye blinking, got so bad at one point that i had to pull over on the side of the interstate so i could talk. how pathetic is that?
i just felt so bad because all i wanted to do was show her the progress i had made in saying "f" words, to have a short, successful phone conversation with my friend. instead, i upset/worried her and made things even worse and more awkward and uncomfortable for us. oh, and get this- i cried. yeah, i know. i never cry. ever. my friends joke that i have no heart because i just dont cry about things. and on the rare occasion that i do cry, its alone. in my room. not where others can know about it. yet there i was, on the phone with jill, crying. and it wasnt an all-out cry-fest or anything. but crying, nonetheless. i felt so pathetic. like the stereotypical stuttering girl, insecure and emotional, crying about her speech and having a pity party. but that wasnt it. i dont know how to explain it, though. i was crying not so much over the stuttering as i was crying about the friendship. it wasnt that i was stuttering; it was that i felt like i couldnt communicate. i dont have a lot of really close friends, but i really want to be friends with jill. it just seems any time we try to really talk, i ef it up. not because i stutter. but because i let my stutter interfere and because of my response to it. wow- as i typed that, i realized how huge that is. at least i think it is. or it could be. maybe? gonna need some time to think that through and develop that idea more. i was sad because its not fair that jill should have to "deal" with any of this. she shouldnt have to learn to wait and not finish my sentences. she shouldnt have to learn how to help me or respond when im blocking or getting worked up. she shouldnt have to sit in her car, in the rain, for an hour and a half, just because shed feel guilty if she got off the phone with me to go work out. she shouldnt have to have a phone conversation that shouldve taken 5 minutes turn into a 98 minute ordeal. i dont want her to think, "i dont have the time/patience/energy/strength/whatever to talk with her right now." but i fear thats whats happening, since this seems to be how our conversations play out every time. and i hate it because i feel like she doesnt get to see or know the real me. i hate that she sees me as an anxious, stressful, worried person who gets worked up easily. ask any of my close friends or my family and they will tell you im one of the most laid-back, easy-going, chill girls ever. i rarely get upset (even at times when i probably should) and think most things arent a big deal. even, believe it or not, when it comes to my speech. not that i could ever convince you by reading this blog. but honestly, my stuttering doesnt bother me on a day -to -day basis. not saying by any means that im completely cool with my stuttering and accepting of everything that it entails. but i usually dont get worked up when im having a bad day or when someone reacts negatively to my stuttering. i just kinda roll on with it. that probably has a lot to do with my faith. i dont know. im tired and rambling and feel like im not making any sense. but i just needed to get these thoughts out in writing so when im not completely exhausted i can process them a little better. there a several other thoughts, insights, ideas, questions i have about tonight, but its a quarter till midnight and i have to get up and teach in 6 hours.
98m 39s... and the worst part? i didnt even get the chance to say the damn word "fish." how 'bout them apples?
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