putting my stuttering out there (cont'd)

so like i was explaining, my goal lately has just been to put my stuttering out there and just acknowledge it.  however, i was at this workshop with the state doe yesterday and today and there were sped teachers and slps there. now, i went in planning on just stuttering away and not re-wording or avoiding or anything like that. that way the tendency to try to hide it would be eliminated and so id kinda be forced to just be open about my speech. that was the plan. and i think i did a good job of stuttering. :) i stuttered a lot, some easy, some with a lot of tension. my secondaries were pretty rough though (which wasnt part of the plan, but oh well!). i was nervous as crap because i was surrounded with speech therapists, and this presented a problem. i cant explain it. its like the second i know someones a therapist, i get tense and struggle with my speech and try to force things out. i had some really hard, tense blocks with the one particular therapist. she was actually cool and didnt freak out or anything. anyway, the point is, i had a realization today. several actually. and today turned out to be not such a good day even though i had some "epiphanies," but ill save that for another post. what i realized was that with most people, i straight up say that i stutter. with most speech pathologists, i dont do that. for some reason, i dont acknowledge my stutter, at least not in the sense of just coming out and saying, "i stutter." i dont know if its just because i assume theyll figure it out on their own so theres no need for me to say it. i dont know if, on some level, i fear that theyll go into "speech mode" as i call it, analyzing everything i do, remembering things theyve learned in school, and try to give me therapy while were talking. i dont know if i worry theyre gonna view me as a client instead of a colleague and professional. maybe its because i feel i can just stutter and not have to explain myself. im not sure what it is. and im not sure yet what it means. its just something i noticed the past few days. it might be something, it might be nothing. i havent had time to really think it through yet. but while it was fresh on my mind i wanted to get it out.   what i do know is that when i go ahead and put my stuttering on the table and acknowledge it to my listener, i usually tend to be more at ease and relaxed and not as focused on when im gonna block. so far im into this "advertising thing." well see how well i keep that attitude. :)